100-Hour Republic

Last Sunday, we were having another boring ass lecture on jihad in Islamic ed when the topic inspired me to yet another one of my brilliant ideas: I’m going to found a micronation of my own.

Considering my existing nickname as “Sheikh a7a” (fitting Egyptian derogation for an cleric who gives unreasonably permissive rulings), it was only fitting for my new nation to be similarly styled.

And so, on March 8, 12:37 AM, the Republic of a7a (lowercase required) was born, with four citizens: Me and four of my friends who happened to sit around me and tolerate (to varying degrees) this kind of bullshit. And it was that – New Nation, new beginnings, infinite opportunity. Completely blank slate, waiting to be molded into any kind of crazy shape we wanted to make out of it. As the founder and the only person who gave a damn at that point, I took it upon myself to do that.

My Republic was going to reflect my own real life views (sorry i’m lame), so I decided it’s going to be an direct democracy with a secular/liberal constitution, creating a strong legislature and a weak executive branch in the form of a mostly powerless prime minister (me). This separation of powers wasn’t immediately intuitive to the other a7a citizens; everyone’s idea of a national leader was “guy who calls all the shots” (one guy went so far as to suggest I turn it into a monarchy). Convincing them of the obvious virtues of glorious master race parliamentary democracy wasn’t quite hard, but it was interesting to have that conversation at all.

I wrote up the 8-point constitution with the above values at the night of the founding, and showed it to the citizens of a7a the next day. They were pretty impressed with the fact that I wrote anything for this thing, let alone a decent, sense-making document; which was unanimously approved (even though half of them didn’t care to read it first). But really soon, a7a was about to have its first national crisis.

I was kind of anticipating this when I went with the liberal model for a nation with a predominantly Islamist/conservative populace (especially the kind that goes to my school), and, well, it happened. The great destroyer of nations crept upon us, and the first issue the young little noob of a prime minister had to tackle was…

-“So are there gonna be girls?”
=”um, maybe.”
-“…are there gonna be girls or not, dude?”
=”I’ll see if I can get a bunch of my friends to join us, it’ll be fun too”
-“So there’s gonna be girls? If so I’m heart and mind with you man!”
÷”whoa, there’s going to be girls? bro, you’re my Jesus” not exact words
= shudder

… yeah, the primary incentive for my citizens was to be able to score chicks (for reference, our school is an all-male hell). Yet having totally expected this from my classmates I didn’t make much of a fuss over it, and the republic’s sail over the next day was quite smooth. We had a parliamentary meeting in the bus where we determined basic laws for the privileges of citizens, the citizenship test law, and introduced a national anthem (not 100% approved). We also discussed plans for expansion; one of our citizens privately suggested taking over the nearby market in order to generate trade and tax income, and my minister of defense came up with a quite viable plan to overthrow and take control of the school by a sneak attack with water guns. The plan was, unfortunately, cut short by the state treasury’s lack of the QR 100 ($27.5) required to fund the operation. Considering how everything besides that has been going more or less OK, I considered inviting others in other schools to create their own local a7a-style republics, out of which we can form our own USSR EU-esque a7a Federation. Nothing came out of this plan, however.

The national craze about girls (and the inability of a few of us to make a distinction between rape and nonmarital sex, which I will not discuss in more detail) having more or less been dealt with, the republic faced a threat from Islamist and communist one-man factions who wanted to sabotage the pluralistic character of the state. Islamists made a brief nuisance about how our republic must be an Islamic Republic (one guy from outside told us that we will never succeed without Shari’a), but the communist guy was pretty nice about it. Except for the part about siding with the Islamists in social issues, like wanting to outlaw gay marriage (the entire nation is made up of 6 straight guys, but they gotta assert Islamic identity and piss off  the liberal).

The Golden Age of a7a, or whatever we had of it, was over by the third day. My minister of defense resigned and defected (into nowhere in particular) out of the blue, saying that it’s a “failed republic” – possibly due to our inability to coordinate proper expansion (or proper anything). The question of girls was prompted (again), but not much came out of it. Nothing else of note happened on the third day, and I was left with a broken nation with a shit economy, a polarized populace, and a quietly approaching civil war. On the fourth day, a7a was to meet its fate.

My ex-minister of defense, joined by our friendly republic communist and an apathetic dude, formed their own republic.

-“Republic of Dar es-Salam. Peace House.”
=”Peace House…? Whatever. What’s your form of government?”
-“We’re an anarchy. Anyone can do whatever he wants.
=”So-”
-“Except gays being married.”
=”…fine. I want to form relations. Who is your executive?”
-“No. Each person is their own executive.”
=”…fiiine.”
-“Yes. And our republic has an economy. And chicks. A lot of chicks.”
=”Dude, just because your republic is named after your shitty local mall doesn’t mean you’re going to have that.”
-“Watch me. The Communist Islamic Democratic People’s Arab Republic of Great Dar es-Salam is going to be glorious, and will eclipse you and all other competition. The miserable days of your sinful failure of a republic are over.”
=”K”

And before I knew it, all but one of a7a’s citizens had defected to Dar es-Salam. The one remaining guy lamented that it was actually a promising project ruined by not so promising participants, at which he’s not exactly wrong, but it was in the end a pretty good social experiment. I formed a nation, given all its 6 citizens free rein to do whatever they want including but not limited to using popular support to usurp the government and turning it to a monarchy (sadly, no one explored that option), and sat back to watch what they did with it. I wasn’t impressed, but I was more or less prepared for the worst. The Communist Islamic Democratic People’s Arab Republic of Great Dar es-Salam was something I totally did not see coming, though.

I declared the republic obsolete at around 1 PM Wednesday – at an age of about 97 hours. The Republic of Dar es-Salam is the successor state to a7a, kind of in the same way that the Qing succeeded the Ming. I hope they all rot in hell can continue the legacy of a7a.

TL;DR: No. If you want a short version read the last conversation and the following paragraph.

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